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Pre-match

My deepest darkest fear is that this will be a famous Richmond victory and I won’t be there. When I get home after a long, exasperating day my footy companion tells me she is too tired. What sweet relief! I’m too tired too! Now I can stay home and do exciting things like get a load of washing on the line for the warm day tomorrow. And watch the game on telly. I feel bad for not going, but not too bad. Thursday night footy is a joke. Doesn’t the AFL know that some people have to get up early in the morning to go to work?

Before the first bounce dinner is cooked and the washing is finished, if not exactly on the line yet.

Watching the telly I’m glad not to be there.  The atmosphere before Richmond games is electric.  Well, electronic.  With 60 thousand or more in the ground all you can hear is loud music.  We Are The Champions, by Queen.  Queen were a great band, no doubt. But how many of their concerts were ruined by games of football?  It’s a trick question.  None of their concerts were so ruined.  So why is our footy ruined by their song?

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Q1

Richmond start pretty well and have not been destroyed in the first four minutes.  We have the first good chance, a snap from a pack that misses.  And for a good while we’ve doubled the ‘Woods’ score and lead 2-1.

But Collingwood kick away with Cox, of course, and someone else.  Lynch gets a very lucky free kick and splits the big sticks from right in front.  Then the ‘Woods get another goal and look to be doing it easily.  They seem to have good players everywhere, don’t drop a mark and don’t stuff up when I want them to.

Ellis is tackled when well over the boundary line by Varcoe.  Somehow a free kick is not awarded.

Score 20 to 8.

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Q2

Short kicks a goal with a set shot from the pocket but it looks a lot like Riewoldt has broken his wrist.  He’s still on the ground though. 

Castagna has a shot from outside 50 which is picked off easily by the defender.  Then we get another goal and it’s level but too quickly the Woods respond and are seven points in front.  Castagna hits the post from right in front after a great mark in a crowded 50.  The kick to Castagna was from Butler who won a free for a good tackle, which, in the replay, had a touch of the chicken-wing about it.  But not too much.

We keep giving the ball to Collingwood, which is frustrating.

Our defence is standing up well though without Rance.  Vlaustin and Grimes have been great.

Darcy Moore gets a free for a high tackle.  As if.  Should have been a free against and 50 for his bad hair.

De Goey who is terrifyingly good scores and we’re two down.  Defence is good but sooner or later we turn the ball over after all our hard work.

Bloody Treloar scores, after Collingwood surge forward following about two hours of kick-to-kick across the Richmond back-line.  It’s a three- goal lead now.  Riewoldts’ broken wrist appears to have healed.

I take no pleasure in any player being injured.  But Treloar appears to be hurt and I’m not heartbroken.  De Goey takes a screamer because there’s nothing he can’t do and scores from a good way out.

No, there’s nothing worse than being beaten by Collingwood. How did they get so many good players?  Two years ago they were a joke.

Collingwood are getting frees for falling over.

Lynch marks and passes to Higgins.  He has to kick this and he does.  Lead to Collingwood back to three goals.  Could we get it back to two by half time?

Less than two minutes left.

Great centre clearance and Lynch marks.  Great kick from the young feller and it’s down to two goals.

Another before the break?  Another to us, I mean?

With the ball deep in our forward line McIntosh tackles Sidebottom just hard enough for him to drop the ball.  No free kick.  Yes it is! McIntosh tries to give it to Shedda but it looks like McIntosh will have to take it.  It’s a fair way out and almost on the boundary.  But for some reason Shedda is given the ball, goes back and kicks it straight through the big sticks.  The Tiger fans and players go nuts.

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Q3

Collingwood make a nightmare start, Pendlebury sets up an attack and Mayne scores.  Didn’t he used to be at Freo?  How did Collingwood get him?

Collingwood again looking very menacing. Mihocek is beating Vlaustin and Prestia is penalised for dropping a ball he never had.

Broad does well to beat Elliot on the ground and fakes an accidental tap out of bounds.  Vlaustin, having just been written off, does a couple of goal-saving things.

Bloody De Goey has a mark again.  For a small player he gives the ball a fair roost and Collingwood are winning by three again.

The Tigers go forward and Short goals with a quick snap.  The first Ashley & Martin ad of the night.  What a disgrace they are.  How are they even allowed?  My daughter told me once that men spend more money on fighting baldness than they do fighting malaria.

Grimes takes a strong mark in defence.  He’s the best.

Dusty coughs up the footy, but Grimes saves the day again.

Ellis is driven into the ground by bloody Grundy but doesn’t get a free, of course.  Treloar gets a free a second later but again the Collingwood attack is turned back.

Lynch takes a great grab but is denied the mark.  Collingwood attack again, throw the ball and get away with it, but the attack is repelled again.  Dusty marks from close in, kicks a banana, unforgivably, and misses.

Collingwood rebound and score, a two-goal turnover.  Might not be our night.

Edwards kicks off the ground from the ball -up and Lynch marks strongly and goals, despite the twelve-foot Cox being on his mark.

Presty is tackled and gets rid of the pill but is still pinged for “taking too long.”

Treloar takes the ball over the line but isn’t pinged for deliberate. 

De Goey marks and kicks his fourth. How can we beat a team with players like him? Collingwood lead by seven points.

Cox marks not too far out and Collingwood are doing it a bit easily again after Richmond had been on top for a while.  Cox misses easily and maybe we do have a chance?

A chance for the Tiges but Weller is tackled before he can kick and the Woods get a free. 

A huge, rolling mess in the Tiger goalmouth but somehow Higgins emerges triumphant.  He’s a magician.

Treloar has a chance to pull one back and puts it out on the full.  A good minute for Richmond.

Prestia penalised despite having had the ball for a mere fraction of a second and Pendlebury scores and its 18 points again.  Another Ashely &Martin ad.  Despicable, manipulative.  Girls won’t like you if you go bald.  Very subtle.  The ads are so much worse when you’re losing to Collingwood.

Sidebottom drops the footy in front of the Richmond goal just like Presty did a moment ago but no free kick.  We follow footy to learn that life is not fair.

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Q4

Cox kicks a goal before I’m back on the couch and I’m beginning to think we might not do it.  But Markov takes a strong mark and will kick from a 45° angle.  He gives it a good go but misses.  Riewoldt is off, down the tunnel.  His healed wrist might have broken again.

Ellis drives the Tiges into attack and Shedda steams through like a train, gathers and goals and it’s not over yet.

Butler driven into the ground but no free.  What did happen to the push in the back rule?

Collingwood open us up again and De Goey marks but hits the post.  Merely human, after all.

Cox marks the kickout from Ellis.  Damn it all.  We miss Houli tonight, as well as Rance.

Cox gets a point and it’s 18 the difference.

Ellis takes the kick again, getting back on that horse.

Collingwood win it back and De Goey marks again, much closer in this time but misses, doesn’t even go out on the full.  The Richmond attack breaks down a kick from goal.

Collingwood rip us apart on a counterattack and goal and it’s 24 points now.  Hope slipping away.  Maybe we can get one or two back and not lose by so much?  If we could make a game of it against a full-strength Collingwood it would really mean something.

But we have to stop giving the ball away. McIntosh kicks well to an opponent and the ball is marked by Elliot.  Apparently he’s very good, but has been well-held, mostly.  Hits the post from not far out.

Riewoldt is back on the ground.  22 free kicks to nine, Collingwood’s favour.  Why are we surprised?

Short or Vlaustin pinged for a throw.  Even Carey thinks this is unlucky.  Elliot kicks the goal.

Promo for Home and Away, makes me so glad I’ve never watched it.

“Colling-wooood” echoing around the ground.  If only we had thousands for supporters who could sing like that.  We do of course, but they’re not allowed to sing at all.

We’re getting towelled up now.  It’s 31 points.  Grimes down off the ball.  Six minutes to go, please let it go quickly.

Grimes is indestructible and takes a saving mark in defence.

Collingwood awarded a mark that’s a thousand times messier than the one Lynch wasn’t given.

Stevenson marks right in front and it’s getting ugly.

Grimes has lost his mind and in the last minutes, with the game lost, has run at Elliot and elbowed him in the head.  I love Grimes to pieces and I’ve barely seen him give away a free kick before.  Maybe he can plead insanity?  But really, crap like that has to earn him a few weeks.

Collingwood score and it’s 43 points, as bad as the prelim.  Well, it might be, I haven’t the heart to go back and check the score on that one.

So glad I didn’t go.

Eddie “night grand final” McGuire is seen going over to our Peggy. But not for long.

Collingwood have the ball again and it’s going to be 49 points.

But Cox hits the post and it’s only 44.

Thank God it’s over.

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In summary, footy doesn’t get worse than this.  There is nothing so bad as being beaten by Collingwood.  They have far too many good players and the AFL shouldn’t have allowed it.  Their tactic of kicking across the ground and marching the ball up the field seemed to work very well, but was awful to watch.  But it mystified me.  The obvious way to counter such a strategy is to go man-on-man and deny them the easy kick and mark.  We did have 18 on the ground, the same as them, even if our 18 weren’t quite as good as theirs.

Many of our players did well.  Grimes was great, again, before he went insane.  Vlaustin was good too.  I thought Shedda was outstanding, playing mostly in the middle.  His goal to give us hope in the last was a beauty.  Lynch was good too and on a better night would have kicked a bag.  Ellis was pretty strong and didn’t give up.  Generally, our team battled well and I didn’t see heads drop or players turns on each other, which is a good sign.  But the omens aren’t great.  Our heavenly run without injuries is over.  Do you remember we put exactly the same team on the park for each week of the finals in 2017?  And probably for the last few home-and-away rounds as well?  After 37 years of heart-break we deserved some luck, but still.

Collingwood, contrast, have all their players back and they’re all supermen.  De Goey is just ridiculous.  Cox is way over what should be the height limit for footballers and yet can still run, jump and kick.  Adam “diss the list” Treloar is good too, but still doesn’t have a premiership medal.

To make it all better though, Eddie insulted a woman with a disability on Fox Footy on Friday night.  As Douglas Adams said of some-one he’s clearly a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad ones.  I think he would be very well-suited to a job where he didn’t have to talk.

Two easy games coming up, against the Corporate Giants in Sydney and then Port in Adelaide.  Both Saturday twilight games, both on pay TV.  Even if I had time to go and watch these games somewhere, I might have to McGuire’s commentary.  I don’t want this match report to degenerate into a tirade against the Collingwood president…ah, who am I kidding?  That’s exactly what I want.  Anyway, he’s not much of a commentator either, sometimes doesn’t take the trouble to learn the players’ names.

Richmond will plug a few gaps and pinch at least one of these games and will be on an even keel after round four.  Dusty will find his mojo, Houli will heal and the young players will step up.

But footy is not such a great game after you lose to Collingwood.

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Benny Votes by Chris

5 Edwards – played four quarters, his quick hands and accurate kicking kept hope alive.
4 Lynch – our only tall target after Riewoldt broke his wrist early. Took some great grabs and kicked goals nervelessly.
3 Broad – has started the season really strongly. Impressive tank – he is bobbing up all over the ground and seems very hard to shake off.
2 Grimes – wonderful for most of the game but burned badly by his opposite number De Goey late on. Unforgivable brain fade will see him lucky to miss just one game.
1 Nankervis – tried very hard against the athletic Grundy. Lost the hit-outs but used his body intelligently in play, and racked up 4 tackles (one eighth of the team total).

Leaderboard

Grimes 7
Edwards, Lynch,  5
Vlastuin 4
Cotchin, Broad 3
Martin 2
Nankervis 1