tassie – Page 2

Pilgrimage to the big smoke part 3: Tigerland

10/09/2017 By Chris 3 Comments

I upped sticks from Andy’s place, dropped my stuff at Dugald’s for Night 2 of the pilgrimage, and headed to lunch at the London Tavern in Richmond. I am not a gifted bon vivant, raconteur or bain marie, and so my attempts to organise a gathering were feeble and unsuccessful. Next time there will be more notice, more hoopla and possibly door prizes. Tiger jumpers (and one or two furtive Saints) were everywhere. I relaxed with a chicken schnitz and a Guinness, and tweeted my location and the above photofit image. Tumbleweeds, crickets. But I was enjoying the atmosphere anyway, of one of Richmond’s favourite pre-game pubs before a should-win game. (One block from Ralph Carr’s office, by the way). On the way out of the pub I got my first loose-ball get of the day as I passed some kick-to-kick in Richmond Terrace.

I arrived at Punt Road Oval to see the VFL Tigers giving standalone Coburg a bath. A few players had been rested for this, Bachelor was watching and Stengel, Maric and Mendaue were not out there either. Some other observations;

Mabior Chol looks a fair way off. In wet and slippery conditions he dropped a ball and kept trying to pick it up. Just boot it forwards son!
Sam Lloyd is a sensational set kick. Under no pressure today but he just gets into a zone.
Ben Griffiths sank a 55 metre set shot in classic style.
Ben Lennon looks unstoppable at this level.
Ant Miles also dominated and is hot favourite for the Morrish Medal

With no help from my bad directions, Sean Ross (@sjhross) tracked me down and we talked about babies, Sydney v Melbourne and Tigers, Tigers, Tigers. A bloke beside us chimed in that he was at an intimate pre-season insiders-only Crown lager-style knees up with Dimma. Desperate for a shred of hope after the poor showing of 2016, he begged for something to hang his hat on. Dimma said one word; Rioli.

Having discharged family lunch duties, Andy rejoined me and as the VFL game wound down, we headed up the hill to the big ground.

After bag searches and a thorough wanding, I was stuck at the turnstile when it turned out I had brought my 2016 membership card. Huge thank you to the steward who sussed that I wasn’t trying to be smart – this must happen a lot I guess. She suggested I go around the RFC membership caravan and see if they could rig me up a ticket. Fortunately that went smoothly, so I went back through the searches and then commenced a search of my own for Andy.

My knowledge of the MCG has hardly improved at all despite fairly frequent visits. It looks different full to half-full; and things seem to change regularly. Andy likes to move about during games, and I was interested in seeing it from different vantage points too, as well as not losing my native guide. I found him in the area near the Cricketers Arms known as The Grog Squad – and whaddaya know, with him was the famous Swish Schwerdt (@swishtter) keeping a low profile in his Adelaide Crows cap. It was great to see him again. Swish writes for the Footy Almanac and is a ~~wisearse~~ wise presence on Footy Twitter as well. The Grog Squad of 2017 probably compares to that of 1987 like a labrador to a hyena; people don’t bring and drink an esky-ful any more. Still the barracking was blue, occasionally funny, not very creative but lively all the same. Swish has written his outsider impressions here at the Almanac. Didn’t love it. Someone called a Saint a retard and apart from that it was all pretty much within community standards. I enjoyed being behind the goals and the cheersquad, and it gave me a story to tell at work. Jake Carlisle in white long-sleeves attracted some lifestyle advice. “Why don’t ya sniff some more coke, Carlisle!”

Like a few games I have been at, the Tiges kicked to the far end and started constructing a decent margin from the off. Fortunately this continued in the 2nd quarter so we could see a few sausage rolls close up. Young Towners continued where he left off. From a standing start as a defensive midfielder at VFL level, he has come in and kicked 6 against Freo and had 2 in the first and another in the 2nd. The Saints looked dead flat. In his last game Nick Riewoldt was invisible. At one stage we were up 9 goals to one. Jade Gresham seemed to be the Saints’ only scoring option. Displeasingly he snagged two in quick succession to bring some unwanted competitiveness to the game. The Butler got a late one to at least finish the quarter on the up. Halftime score Richmond 11.5.71 to St Kilda 4.3.27.

Andy went off to see someone and didn’t return until the next break. If we were a membership more secure in our finals birthright (see Hawthorn), we would have treated the 3rd quarter as the ideal lull to just go for another craft beer, or catch up with old Kayden who is now mostly doing conveyancing. (Tie over the jumper or under?) But as we are nervous nellies expecting fate to kick us up the backside at every turn; the 3rd quarter was painful. The Saints kicked four goals to a single yellow and black contribution from Jack Riewoldt. All through the third quarter Richmond fans educated Swish with their creative calls.

“Hey Membrey! MEMBREY! Yer a cunt, Membrey!!”

We had a bloke nearby who had clearly asked his mum for a Dusty haircut. Looks to me like mum had no idea so bloke had had to describe it, with mixed results. And same deal with his neck tatts. The cougars in front of us were like a 3rd-wedding hens’ night gone bad, with plenty of classic repartee like “That’s too high you fuggin blind maggot”. The last break came not a moment too soon, and I went for refreshments with the score at Richmond 12.7.79 to St Kilda 8.6.54. They doubled their score that quarter.

I got back as the the Tiges put together five minutes of sustained pressure, punctuated with goals through Dusty and Towners (4th) that just about put things beyond the Saints (more importantly this nailed down a top-four finish for the first time since 2001). The Tiges were coming home to our Punt Road End and they put on a good show. They Saints had a few chances and sprayed them, until Gresham got one back, but the mood around us had settled into relaxed confidence by this stage, and became generous and even magnanimous as the clock wound down. The rest of the game was a pretty bruise-free procession, with nothing more at stake for either side. In the flurry of Tiger goals Towners got his 5th (eleven in 2 weeks) and Prestia nailed one on the run. The Dusty song got many airings (“Oh Dustin Martin, you are the love of my life …” sung about various players in the EPL since at least 2005).

Good to be in the vicinity when the Tiges wrap up the 4 points and Trout puts up his THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN banner.

All the Tigers around us applauded Saint Nick as he was carried off by his cousin Jack from Richmond and Big Jack Something from St Kilda. Saints fans left quietly and weren’t subjected to any crowing that I witnessed. In fact the next day an elderly Sainter with a Lancashire accent rang Melbourne 774 talkback, and cracked up a little as he said thanks to Richmond supporters for respecting the retiring champ. I had a bit of a sniffle myself.

Andy charged down to the fence to soak up the atmosphere; and I followed him it was a Richmond celebration too far for the Adelaide Crow in Swish. Sorry again I dashed off on you and all the best to the tricolour hoops for the rest of September.

Andy and I enjoying the win; but I am mostly laughing because I can’t work out how to selfie.

As Andy and I made our way out, we walked smack bang into the Grog Squad’s celebratory reading of the seminal late-period Malcomson work Tigerland. They and we and everyone in there gave it the kitchen sink. A security guard winked at me and said “Don’t worry Geelong will get ya”. Outside I left Andy to prepare for his family trip; spending this glorious September full of Tiger possibilities, in Indonesia. I headed to the vacant Jellie residence with instructions to light the fire for their imminent return from Sydney.

When I got there the woodpile in the backyard was inaccesible; the back door was blocked with an anvil. An anvil. I tried the side door for possible firewood access; it was tied shut with rope. I had somehow found myself in a cartoon.

Pilgrimage to the big smoke part 2: Glenferrie Oval

05/09/2017 By Chris Leave a Comment

sweep

On Saturday, Andy and Cahaya and I got out early to catch another old VFL ground, Glenferrie Oval. I was totally unaware of the charms of this venue until I saw Mike Hugo’s ‘Footy Places’ design. I have never seen a brick Art Deco grandstand before.

This is very much my wife’s homeland. Her parents and grandparents grew up between Hawthorn, Kew and Camberwell. (This why she says dahnce and I say dants). Great auntie Val, who passed away in February at 97, was a lifelong Hawk. She would have spent many fruitless afternoons here during the pre-powerhouse years. She’s the only person in my extended family with an obituary in Footy Almanac.

Glenferrie was in use this morning for Ultimate Frisbee and Lacrosse. We kicked around a little ball we found for a while before Andy threw it back to the lacrossists; I had no idea it was theirs. The turf looks like Brunswick Oval; a fluffy multicoloured mess of couch, buffalo, moss and sand. The main stand is now locked away from causal visitors and arsonists, and looks well cared-for. I like the little stand of gums squeezed between the concrete stand and the railway line, and the once brown-and-gold post holding a sign about correct dog etiquette.

Even here dogs need to poo and wee correctly.

My hosts, Andy (@readingSideways) and Cahaya (4)

Around the back of the old home of the Mayblooms, Andy noticed the late August blossom kicking in.

This pulley would have cranked the goalkicking practice netting up and down for legends like Huddo, Piggy, Lethal and Johnny Peck.

Love the gumtrees, but the cheese sticks have a certain Jeff Kennett quality to them.

Pilgrimage to the big smoke part 1: VFL grounds

04/09/2017 By Chris Leave a Comment

Part of the dazzling art collection at Andy Fuller’s place. This is Decision Boundary by Mat Greentree, mixed media 2005.

I came over from Hobart last weekend for a big hit of footy. I got to four games, six footy grounds, spent time with TTBB colleagues Andy and Dugald, and spent a night in Richmond for the first time in my life! As a bonus on Monday I also met footy artist and dedicated Tiger, Kate Birrell.

I lobbed into town on Saturday, and headed into Richmond to find Andy’s house. I had not looked at the map to locate it until I was on my way there; it is closer to Richmond Station than parts of Richmond Station! He lives in a currently closed art gallery, architecturally fascinating. I rang him when I was outside as I couldn’t find the front door; suddenly a section of wall pivoted and he invited me in, to meet his partner Nuning and and his daughter, Cahaya.

Lost footballs have a way of finding Andy

With little delay we headed out to visit Brunswick Oval, former VFL home ground of Fitzroy. The club name and jumper survives now in the amateur VAFA, with their flagship team currently in Premier B division. They were trailing Parkdale Vultures in a battle to avoid relegation. The footy was open and quite skilful; to my eyes the main difference to a level like Tasmanian State League is the body shape; Fitzroy and Parkdale players were Matthew Lappins to the TSL’s Lance Whitnalls.

Both hallowed and scruffy, the turf at Brunswick Street Oval declares that this is very much a public access park.

The coach addresses the players. His message was: “You’re better than them, why don;’t you play like it? If blokes are leading to dumb places ignore them! Ignore them!”

The Fitzroy ladies are happy to sell you a book, a pen, fingerless gloves, a scarf or a hat; in either colour-TV era Lions’ primary colours or classic Maroons’ maroon.

I am happy to be living in a time when a skerrick of good sense preserves things like the Vic Park and Brunswick Oval gatehouses.

There was a healthy crowd on the hill and in the grandstand, and big queues for the burgers which are reputedly the best in Melbourne. Time for a shoutout here to Nicko Place who lives just up the road and will definitely be on the itinerary next time. The VAFA is a dry competition, which is really interesting, and possibly news to the youth who rode up on a bike balancing a slab.

▰▰▰▰▰▰▰

We took off during the third quarter to have a look at the Whitten Oval, once Footscray’s VFL home ground, and now again “Footscray’s” “VFL” home ground through the contortions of crafty re-naming. A shoutout here to @theholyboot and @FMI who live nearby and will also be part of the next footy trip.

We got lost on the way and so by mistake drove over Mount Mistake, twice. [The overpass on Geelong Road that looms at the North end of the ground is traditionally called “Mount Mistake” by old time Doggies fans.]

The view across to Mount Mistake from the terraces in front of Barkers Cafe

Footscray were hosting top-of-the-ladder Williamstown, and Willy were doing as they pleased. The AFL Bulldogs’ season as reigning premiers came to an end on Friday night, and I was expecting the place to be full of misery, but people were generally looking bright and Barkers Cafe was busy.

We went to the northern goals at three quarter time. We didn’t take a ball, and Andy suggested we grab one from the official Tub Of VFL Balls. A young man of about 12 in a Bulldogs guernsey said politely but firmly that we couldn’t use those balls, sorry. Well done that lad. We dedicated ourselves to marking and turning everyone else’s shots at goal.

Three quarter time at Whitten Oval. At the top of the square, a very recognisable member of the Holy Boot extended family.

We watched the last quarter from the southern end near Mount Mistake. The Dogs were nowhere near the Seagulls, despite fielding quite a few big bodies with AFL experience and premiership medallions in Tom Boyd, Clay Smith and Tory Dickson.

A huge thanks to Andy for taking me on this pilgrimage because the traffic was frankly dreadful and my reading of the Melways not as fluent as it once was. We battled back to Richmond, and the perennial quest for a parking spot. Then we had an outstanding Thai takeaway, and I retired to my room full of art.

Bronze Teddy Whitten thumps a bronze ball up Beaurepaire Parade.

A couple of fours

04/07/2017 By Chris Leave a Comment

Aub Martyn was a Coburg premiership player who joined an exodus from that club to Carlton, where his brother Colin was captain. From 1929-33 he played 38 games (0 goals) before returning to Coburg. Bryce Gibbs now wears Aub’s nº 4 guernsey.

Maurie Sheahan (his name was spelled wrong on the card) was a star fullback during a strong era, and a 1932/34 premiership player. He also played in losing Grand Finals in 1929 and 33. He would have played against Aub Martyn, and also wore the nº 4 (now filled out by a different Martin, Dustin).

Open letter to Richmond: look after Bachar

28/06/2017 By Chris 14 Comments

Photograph: Michael Dodge/Getty Images

Hello. I am writing as a huge Bachar Houli fan, concerned for his wellbeing.

I love how he plays and what he has brought to RFC and football generally. He is an outstanding person and one we should be very proud to have associated with our club.

I am very upset he has been found to have deliberately struck a fellow player to the head; regardless of the penalty I am sure Bachar is struggling with this characterisation of himself as an intentional thug. I honestly believe he would rather do 4 weeks for “accidental” than 2 weeks for “deliberate”.

I am smart enough to avoid the festering fans’ social media but I have already seen disgusting bigoted language used about him. I do worry in the current climate in this country there is a danger of this getting blown out of proportion and Bachar suffering as a result.

Please if you can, pass on to him that I feel nothing can take away from the amazing work he has done with his foundation and I really urge him to continue, and not take this tribunal finding to heart.

regards

Chris Rees
Richmond member

Tipping the 2017 season

17/03/2017 By Chris 4 Comments

Less than a week to go until we run out to play for premiership points. I have felt weirdly detached from AFL season 2017; due to a combination of AFLW and the Tiges fairly good recruiting. I am enjoying the positive buzz about the new players and not really ready to have it all blown to shreds by reality.

I am doing this ladder because I feel I should, rather than because I have any strong views. Like many I see Richmond improving position a little but not a lot. We were so dire in 2016 that we could improve 25% and still be waaaaay off the pace.

Hang onto your hats and dentures; I am tipping the Western Footscrays to go back to back (I refuse to be spooked by Leicester’s follow-up season). Ignore the Dogs’ premiership drought for a minute, and the feeling of freakishness about their finals campaign. Their coach is a genius, they won the VFL flag so depth does not appear to be a problem, their confidence to beat anybody on their day is going to be sky high. Doggie insanity to pervade September again.

Who are they going to disappoint on Grand Final day? West Coast. Yeah nah, trust me. A very good side who could well be minor premiers but are going to stutter on the big day. Wood to blanket Kennedy. This is actually the GF matchup I tipped last year, I realise now.

Dogs and Eagles get there by beating Swans and GWS. Same last four as 2016. I just can’t see another team forcing their way in. Last year’s 5 to 8 all look to me to be treading water at best.

This year I tip Hawthorn, St Kilda, Adelaide, Geelong to round out the finals.

Close but no cigar to Melbourne and Collingwood – they’ll be in the hunt until round 23. It will be over by round 20 for North, Essendon, Richmond, Gold Coast and Carlton. And it will be over by July for Port, Fremantle and Brisbane.

My tip in the popular “ladder” format;

Western Bulldogs
West Coast

Sydney
Greater Western Sydney

Hawthorn
St Kilda
Adelaide
Geelong

Melbourne
Collingwood
North Melbourne
Essendon
Richmond
Gold Coast
Carlton
Port Adelaide
Fremantle
Brisbane

Cigarette cards

22/02/2017 By Chris 6 Comments

For the last few weeks I have been diverting my football-related energies into drawing portraits based on 1930s footy cards. The lighting of the photographs, and the beautiful guernseys are a delight to work with. Then there are the faces, raw and open to the world below haircuts that range from short but stylish to brutal. They’re all ears.

I have only one Richmond player so far but in line is Jack ‘Skinny’ Titus. Who I can confirm (from recent research) is the best match in height and weight for Michael Mitchell (of everyone that has played for the Tigers in the last 80 years).

So here is my line up. I drew them in ciggie card format then superimposed the drawings onto scans of old brown cardboard.

A visit to Youngtown

03/08/2016 By Chris 1 Comment

I took my dad and visiting nephew Brin up to Launceston for the big Blues v Hawks game on Saturday. I didn’t feel the need to see the game myself, and anyway it was a sellout, so I was able to drop them at the gate and pick them up again right opposite moments after the final siren. In between I went over to Youngtown, home ground of NTFA side South Launceston, where they were hosting Longford.

When I was a kid and adopting any team called the Tigers, I adopted Longford. Their glory years were the late 50s when they won flags in 55, 57 and 58. A young man called Michael Roach played his first footy there in 75 and 76, dashing up the wing in the yellow sash. The next year he was wearing the same jumper with Richmond in the VFL, and in 1980 kicked the ton and won a premiership. Barry Lawrence won a B&F playing as a forward at Longford before moving to St Kilda.

In those days City South, the Redlegs, were the home team at Youngtown. They also have a marvellous history – they won the three-cornered State Final in 1972, and were invited to play against East Perth and North Adelaide for the Championship of Australia. (It did not go well for the Legs). 30 years ago they merged with East Launceston (the Demons) to enter the then State League, under the name South Launceston, and adopted the Footscray guernsey and Bulldogs nickname. Tasmanian football is in a never-ending state of churn, and South left the latest iteration of the State League after winning their first flag and going broke doing it.

On Saturday I arrived during the first quarter and goals were thin on the ground, although it was a perfect day for footy. (Over at York Park the big boys managed 3 goals between them in the first quarter). It was 2.3 apiece at Youngtown at the first break.

I took some photos of the scoreboard for Scoreboard Pressure. Although State League has come and gone here, it left its mark in the form of an unappealing electronic unit, operated by remote control. A local politician shares sponsorship with another business dealing in rubbish.

I tuned in to the quarter time huddles. Longford spent a long time broken into groups before getting a fairly terse, brief and quiet wrap up from the coach. The Dogs took a more whole-team approach. Both teams were very young and the South coach had to ask for some shoosh a few times, while ironically asking for more talk out on the ground. “Come on it’s the easiest thing in footy just use yer yap”. Preach it fella, I’ve trying to get my soccer kids to do it for years. If you’re slow, tired, or just hopeless, you can still yell.

The home team booted 4 straight to start the 2nd quarter. The Longford full forward and South full back were just having a friendly chat most of that time. Finally on their first push forward Longford hit a target, the string bean steered it straight through, and they followed with two more. Game on, and then it settled into an arm wrestle until half time.

I had to scoot back over to York Park to pick up Dad and Brin at the final siren there, so I had to leave the NTFA behind.

On the way out I was looking for the toilet, saw the familiar stick man sign and pushed through a door. I was nearly poleaxed by the visiting team doctor coming the other way with full kit. ‘Sorry, is this a public toilet?’ ‘Oh yeah no worries just, er, let the boys go first OK?’ So I queued up for a leak behind the Longford backline, a spare man in defence if you will.

York Park is well supplied with half hour parking spots opposite the gate, so I was able to sit there, listen to the last quarter complete with live crowd noise, and Brin and Dad just popped across the road after the siren. (Dad has an injured heel). They were satisfied with Carlton’s effort.

As my father and nephew are both essentially silent men, it was a very quiet drive back down the Midland Highway.

Edit: I forgot to say, the final score was a convincing 13.21.99 to 5.9.39 win to South Launceston.

Horrible in Hobart. Again.

05/06/2016 By Chris 12 Comments

As an injured Ben Griffiths was being loaded onto the little bus at Bellerive, a North supporter shouted “Make ‘im pay for the petrol!” It was the second trip out for the bus, having taken brave Steve Morris off about five minutes into the game. We were already two goals and two men down (Grimes was a late late late withdrawal) and the game did not get any better.

My elder son Marcus and I caught the free ferry over from the Brooke St Pier with a crowd that seemed predominantly Richmond. All the ferries in town including MONA’s were mobilised, a smart move – no pushing or dramas because they minimised waiting. It was already bloody cold but the passage was calm and scenic. We were surrounded by a lot of mainlanders who were charmed by the city lights, the stars, the little bar right there on board and the novel way of arriving at the footy. Arriving en masse at the footy is quite different to departing; anything is still possible. And few of the arrivals will have been smashing the mid-strength lagers for 3 hours, which is a factor on your way home.

On Bellerive Quay we looked for food but the queues were heavy. Friend of TTBB Ben Walker materialised to advise that the fish and chips wait was 40 minutes, so we went to a local hot chicken shop and outwitted the system by walking out moments later with salads. As we ate the clammy salads with plastic forks outdoors at 4° I felt like a real winner already.

Marcus and the author. We have one club scarf between us so I get the home brand yellow one.

We made our way to the Hill and found a patch of grass. I actually prefer to stand, but the good standing places were full; and we had brought rugs for sitting so we settled down. Shortly after Dugald stepped over us on his way to his family nest, just a Trent Cotchin kick away. There were 17,000 there. The outer was predominantly Tigers but the big stands were solid Shinboner territory. They managed to sway the umpires a number of times with their massed noise.

Good job cheer squad. I never had your faith but even my modest hopes were dashed.

Now, that’s enough scene setting, lets cut to the game. It was a terrible performance. Just abysmal. We asked ourselves afterwards what highlights we could recall and honestly for me it was the classic Lindsay Thomas greedy moment in the 2nd quarter. Two mates on for a handball near the goalsquare and he went the Hollywood checkside instead for a behind.

Our kicking at goal was poor. Our chasing was poor. Hampson got good numbers but [my usual proviso that I don’t know anything about footy here] I thought Daw killed him. We were lucky to be just 25 points down at halftime. The conditions were very slippery and neither side was handling the ball well. North were smarter; they found alternative roads to goal. Waite is in a form slump and didn’t contribute much; although I did see him go out of his way to fetch the boundary ump the ball which was nice. Ben Brown got his hands on it at least but only kicked one. While Harvey, Wells and Thomas equalled our score between them.

There is a slim chance that with 22 fit we could have held our own and gone down by that half time margin, and that would have got a tick from me. I am charitable enough to say that injuries denied us that slim chance.

Cotchin, Miles, Grigg, Rance, Batchelor and Hunt all performed, and Rioli had his usual glimpses of brilliance. Dusty and Jack were disappointing. When Griffiths went down I took the opportunity to get us some hot food; they weren’t taking EFTPOS but fortunately I had $4 so we had two potato cakes each and I forgot to salt them. Unforced errors everywhere you look.

Despite the cold we were actually quite lucky with the weather. No wind and if there had been even a light shower there would be a pneumonia epidemic now.

The last quarter was poor football all round and fans of both sides made early departures. We stayed for the final bell in the hope of seeing some bit of magic from our boys that might light up the night. No luck.

Waiting for the ferry, there was a mystery group who chose not to queue. The ferries were coming and going frequently, and after a short wait the MONA ferry tied up beside us. Downstairs I could see a table laid with about 400 sausage rolls and bottles of sauce. You beauty David Walsh I thought, laying on a free ferry AND throwing in the sozzie rolls for the punters, what a man he is. Of course our queue didn’t move and in no time the mystery group had filed aboard and could clearly be seen helping themselves to said rolls. It was the one ticketed ferry in amongst the generally otherwise free fleet.

Live AFL is still a rarity for me so it wasn’t until the next day that the glow faded and I thought about how genuinely terrible it was to lose that by 70 points. We have the best possible 3 weeks to patch our wounds; Gold Coast, bye, Brisbane. We need 8 points, percentage boost, players to get form and confidence and the injury list to shorten in those 3 weeks.

May gloom

02/05/2016 By Chris 9 Comments

I am getting more use from this than I thought I would.

I feel I should update my post from two weeks ago, as my views have changed since. I am starting to doubt that Dimma and the players are really on the same page. I still don’t know what the plan is, but Dimma said himself on Saturday night that the 22 did not execute any of it, at any stage. It was an absolute stinker and it got worse as the night went on. A small gap never looked like being closed, and in the last quarter we mustered one behind.

The total crowd of 27,700 suggests that at the very most 22,000 Tigers turned up. So that is one part of my narrative I am sticking to; don’t kid yourself that Tigers fans are exceptional in some way. Our team stinks and we have stopped going along; and rightly so. No criticism intended, how else can you send a message that you are disgusted with what we are serving up? People have other things in their lives. Their footy season is dead on the vine before the end of April and I think any mental health advocate would agree its time to get out in the shed and work on rebuilding that Morris Marina, or join a choir, or volunteer to read to kids at the library.

The horror show wasn’t on TV or ABC radio so I have been spared the worst so far (I will watch it soon because I believe in embracing the pain to deepen the enjoyment of the success which is probably a Catholic thing).

I was trying to work during the game but kept checking Twitter where it unfolded like this.

That was the worst half of football by @Richmond_FC in the last decade. Bereft of ideas, lack of pace and no leaders @ali_yesilyurt

Ellis kicks horribly again and Port go all the way for a goal. Brutal. @chiefinkorea

Heaps of Richmond fans leaving already @CherylCritchley

They say not supporting this is not supporting your club. I refuse to support such ineptitude. Always a Tiger, but Hardwick can get stuffed. @GregGibbo28

Pick 1 looking a distinct possibility. We are playing the worst footy in the comp. @Tigers_of_Old

And of course a lot of frustrated singling out of individuals. Judging by the tweets we were lazy, careless and at times gutless. The question has to be asked at Punt Road; why is this group not giving their all for the coach and the club? Has Dimma, after an effective and successful stint, reached the end of his road with these players?

@GregGibbo28 penned a great piece after the game that is well worth a read.

Myself; I do not accept that the quality of our list explains a performance like that, or a 1-5 start. Individuals are not giving us what they capable of, whether that’s down to niggling injuries, tiredness or just loss of faith in Dimma and maybe some of the players around them.

Edwards, Brandon Ellis and Martin are skilled players who are massively underperforming on what we have come to expect. Add that to our injury problems and some inexplicable selections, and I think we end up with 22 blokes looking at each other as they go through the banner thinking “I don’t think this team can win”. Because that is how they are playing – there is a resignation, a sense of giving in to the inevitable.

I do want to thank Robbo and the subs at the Herald Sun for this story and headline, it really gave a lot footy followers a good laugh on Saturday and threw the evening’s events into sharp relief.

As a calming and forward-looking exercise I have picked a team to play Hawthorn. I would love to have Chol and Marcon in there too but they are unpromoted rookies and not eligible for selection – this is another one of the many finer points of modern footy I don’t understand. (I have also never bothered to learn what a powerplay is in one day cricket.) To quote Corbo who had a preview of my team, the “back 6 looks like it would let in 25 Essendon goals”.

B Astbury Elton Batchelor

HB Broad Houli McIntosh

C Rioli Grigg C Ellis

HF Short Griffiths Deledio

F Lloyd Riewoldt Lennon

FOL Maric Martin Edwards

I/C Miles Castagna Vickery Menadue

Ins: McIntosh Elton Lennon Short Griffiths Broad

Outs: Lambert Cotchin B Ellis Hampson Chaplin Morris

Injured/Susp: Vlastuin Cotchin Lambert Grimes Rance Conca Yarran Drummond